Fighting The Loser Mentality

There truly is something to that, "confession is good for the soul" thing but it's not going to be the thing that keeps from wanting to eat!  Yesterday was a great day!  I was healthy, I ate healthy, I was feeling good, I had energy and a new zeal for going after the "GIANT."  Today..I'm tired.  Lailey, since being home from the hospital (oh yea..that's another story I need to tell) has suddenly become scared at night and like a newborn who fights sleep.  So, I'm sleepy, I'm unfocused, I'm less energetic and...I'm HUNGRY!  I've done pretty well today...until an hour ago. I ate, almost, an entire bag of Chipotle BBQ Snack Mix.  I reasoned that it has nuts(healthy..check) it has pretzels (low in fat..check) it has lots and lots of cayenne and chipotle pepper(helps burn fat quicker), sesame sticks and corn sticks(uh...) so it's OKAY, right?  WRONG! I just ate: 65 carbs, 700 calories..SE VUN HUN DREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and 45 fat grams! forty freakin five fat grams in 30 minutes...for a SNACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now this "little" bag of chipotle goodness(the actual brand is called GOOD SENSE?! Liars!)...it has been a staple for me over the last few weeks, since I discovered it and I honestly have told myself that it's somewhat healthy.  It's not like eating a bag of chips! DUH! It's a smidge less...but not enough to call it a healthy snack.

So if all that wasn't enough, I found one lone bag, in my tote bag, of the newest killer by Hershey's, "Drops". LOSER! FOOD LOSER!! My fat brain reasons...it's just this one package and you'll never buy them again.  You cannot waste them..and God forbid you give them to someone! How RUDE!

Oh yea...i ate the whole bag!

Now...comes the guilt, the shame, the loser mentality and the questions? WHY? I had lunch less than 2 hours ago and I just ate so much that I'm sick! And I can honestly say I was NOT hungry.  Why did I do that? Because I had it? These are the questions I gotta find the answers to!

I will move on.  I hope I don't eat tonight.  I have little confidence...in myself at this point!

BOO!
Lana

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"Jesus' questions always reveal the true me to myself"

March 1 2011             

Well this is THE hardest thing I have ever done.  It’s not like losing a parent, I did that.  It’s not like losing a friend, I’ve done that.  It’s not like losing your sweet Grandma, I did that.  It’s not even like losing a beloved little pet, I’ve done that too.  This is difficult brought on by the pain of losing yourself and having to face the music. 

I swore I would never do this.  I have rolled my eyes at those who did.  I have seen others do this, watched their lives unfold, publicly, and while some have been captivating and moving, I NEVER saw me in that place.

Today, I am there.  I have never lain bare, who I am, the way I’m fixing to let it all hang out.  But I’ve hit rock bottom, I’ve come to the end.  I’ve reached that point where the only way out…is THROUGH.  I say through because up forgets about the through.  I’ve learned that, in God’s economy, coming up means coming through.  But there is no magic to take me UP without getting the slime and muck of THROUGH all over the place. 

I used to believe that I could conquer any demons, eventually, because nothing really had a stronghold on me.  I thought that with prayer and confidence I would be able to just succeed in any area I wanted.  I’m going on my 42^nd year of life and I’m realizing that plan A is defunct.  My Plan A has been secretly plotting behind my back and now it’s laughing at me…with a pointed finger!

As you know, I chose to become a mom in 2008 by having my daughter through artificial means.  I hired donor goods to mingle with my goods and Voila’, thus produced the cutest baby alive.  I am sad to say that her presence here has not been ENOUGH to shake me awake.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed to say that, something I never thought I would admit out loud.  It’s the honest truth.  I love her more than life. I panic if even a THOUGHT of losing her comes into my head.  I cannot imagine my life without her.  What I have not been doing enough of is imagining HER life without me in it.  That is a thought I try to squash.  I don’t want to think about that. BUT…I’m facing that reality.

I am, per the doctor’s scale, 150 lbs OVER WEIGHT!  Now…some of you, who know me, may NOT believe that, but I am.  There..I admit it.  And..folks…it gets better…NOT! I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes at week 28 of pregnancy and while I would LIKE to believe and during that time often told myself, was that it was JUST pregnancy, it happens to lots of skinny moms and it will all be okay after the baby gets here.  It wasn’t okay.  I pretended for almost a year and ½ that I was okay.  I gained 30 lbs after Lailey was born and rarely gave a thought to my sugar levels until the first part of 2010.  I just wasn’t feeling all that great and it never went away…that feeling of just general ill.  My aunt, who was dying at the end of 2009, who had been overweight most of her adult life, had diabetes, heart problems and high blood pressure.  I was staying with her and decided to use her glucose meter to test my blood sugar one day.  It was 354!  I almost died.  It prompted me to go to the doctor and the short part of that story is I am a Diabetic.  I have Type II Diabetes brought on by obesity.  OBESITY.  OBESITY…MORBID OBESITY.  I absolutely LOATHE those words…obesity, morbid..all of it.  I am now into month number 10 of that diagnosis and I’m STILL apparently telling myself, internally, emotionally, that I’m going to be okay.  I went from NEVER taking so much as a Tylenol to taking 5 vital medications every single day.  Medications that are doing everything they can to stave off the affects of this horrid disease AND killing me, all the while.  Along with that diagnosis, the doc felt it necessary to stick the knife in even further.  She went ahead and tacked on a diagnosis of Hypertension, high cholesterol and acid reflux.  Because of my brother’s expertise, I know I have sleep apnea.  A recent blood panel shows that I have “markers” for heart disease.  I will tell you, I go to bed most nights in sheer mental terror, scared out of my mind that I will not wake up.  But I DO wake up and then my car drives to McDonalds!  I have a serious problem.  And as embarrassing and difficult as it is, for my pride, my ego, my confidence to accept this fact and openly admit it I must.  I am dying. 

So that is all I can write today.  I cannot tell you I have a “plan,” I cannot tell you I am even ready to do this.  All I can tell you is…I’m GOING to do this.  I will not continue down a road that will leave my daughter an orphan.  I trust God. I trust His plan and I don’t have to fast and pray to know that what I’m doing to my body, my mind, my soul and ultimately my spirit is not pleasing to Him.  Today…not tomorrow morning, not next Monday…but TODAY, this moment…I am choosing to stop dying and start living. 

I don’t want your sympathies, I don’t want emails and comments, I just ask for your prayers. I ask that, should this move you, please pray for me.  I need strength to conquer a devil that has been as close to me as anything in my life, a devil that hides in comfort, in a false sense of peace, of luxury, of happiness.  This devil is my best friend and my mortal enemy. This devil solves my problems with a salve that I think I cannot live without, it licks my wounds of inadequacy and failure.  It soothes away my bitterness and my resentments.  It is there at my every breath, my lying down and my waking up.  It pretends to be my everything and as smart as I think I am, I’ve been powerless to deny it any strength over my life. 

This is what I know…I know that I have the power, given to me by the Spirit of God, living in me, to change who I am.  I know that I am loved and there is a plan for my life that far exceeds anything I could ever dream.  I know that the Word of God is living and active.  I believe and have experienced, in my own life, the physical power the Word can impart.  Hebrews 4:12 says that the Word of God is sharper than a 2 edged sword and that it has the power to judge my thoughts and my attitudes and divide them.  I BELIEVE that to mean the Word is the key to attacking and breaking down the thoughts and imaginations that cause me to abuse my body.  That is where I will start.  I ask for your prayers and good thoughts as I begin my mon voyage.

Love, L

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Sign up Ya'll! This has UH-MAZING Potential!

Ya'll I know I"ve been so neglectful!  I'm so sorry!  Getting settled and getting over the "crud" has been rough but it's 2011! WOOP WOOP! I'm so excited about this new year and all the possibilities.  One great opportunity you can take advantage of right now is just waiting for you at www.moolala.com

I'll be back...I promise...with tales of excitement!

Love,

L

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"I'm Gonna Hit You", "Oh My Crap" and Other Joyful Sounds of the Season

Hi ya'll! I've been MIA for a couple of months, trying to get settled into a new city, a new house, a new job.  Which means getting the Todd settled into a new city, a new house, a new routine WITH a babysitter, and days without Mommy & Grammy.  It's been quite a transition and I won't say it's all been cake but we've survived.

However, I'm trying to figure out if all this "change' has brought on the terrible two's which we were on the high road that passes those days right up.  Oh no...they are HERE...full force.  I NOW know what those mommies mean when they say things like, "we had a wonderful day today, no tantrums, no fits for no apparent reason, no back talk, etc."  I KNOW what they are talking about because these days, I take note of the days that L wakes up in a good mood, doesn't pitch a fit, kick or throw something in frustration or tell me she is gonna hit me!  It's daily drama now.  I kinda hate it.  She totally acts like a teenager! If I'm not seething, I'm usually laughing because it's so funny that when she can't get something to do what she wants it to do...she comes over and smacks me or throws something or herself into the floor and screams at the top of her lungs.  That usually results in a time out which brings on more travail.  It's irritating and funny all at the same time.  And let me tell you, if I laugh at her...her wrath is worse.  That's usually when I get punched!  And then I laugh harder.  Not really...well..yeah sometimes I just can't help it.  So I'm trying to do what is right and curb this behavior because it's starting to spill over in public.  I REAALLLY hate that.  Cause what do you do?  I mean I've been that person that glared at mom's who obviously didn't have control of their kids in public and now I am becoming one of them.  And it amazes me how conscious I am, now,  when I say things like, "you are going to get a spanking if you don't stop."  I feel like all eyes are on me if I do anything slightly aggressive to stop the behavior.  When I was growing up, a slap on the behind in public or getting jerked up by one arm and scolded in the grocery store...was NOTHING.  Nobody batted an eye.  In fact, I think most people thought, "good for that mom/dad...that kid needed that!" Today...you get the evil eye if you so much as lay a finger on your kid in public.  It's frustrating!  I spank! I believe in spanking!  I'm a believer in the Word of God and God says to spare NOT the rod when it comes to punishing your kids, because if you do, they will suffer  for it!" (my paraphrase :)  I believe a spanking humbles a child and brings them back to a right spirit.  A spirit that can be dealt with.  So, how do you handle that in today's world?  No...really..I'm asking, how do YOU(moms) handle it?

And let me tell you, not that it matters what you THINK, but just so you know.  At this age, L is learning.  I accept that but I also feel like that learning process must be laced with discipline. I feel like she should be punished for things she does no better about but chooses to do any way(a lot of that going on these days) but I also believe teaching is paramount.  And I am trying to balance how much should be instruction and how much should just be punishment.  I admit I sometimes react hastily and have to remember that she is only 2 and needs to be instructed. I'm not above apologizing to her for overreacting either.  I firmly believe children need to hear "will you forgive me" and "I"m sorry..I was wrong" PLENTY in their lives...and starting now.  I also recognize that spanking is NEVER the answer 100% of the time and I don't practice that because honestly time out is VERY effective for my little one.  I'm sure that spanking, sans the 3" padding, will become more affective.

So weigh in moms.  Tell me how you discipline in public because I did utter the phrase, "I'm just gonna quit leaving the house with her" after this weekend's outings.

Oh and now, "OH MY CRAP" is the favored phrase of choice in our household.  No idea where she picked that up...and I'm totally serious...because OKAY...she has heard the word CRAP but OH MY...no!! She picked that up somewhere else! 

Happy Monday!

Love,
L

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We have a W I N N ER!!

I am happy to announce that mommy blogger, Andie, from over at Goodbye Disposable, Hello Cloth is the winner of those cute little Halloween stickers from Pear Tree Greetings.

Thanks Andie for your favorite Halloween memory and the follow(s)! 

Happy Halloween Ya'll!!

~ L

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